Yep, that’s right… I’m just going to come right out and say it…

Right now…

Any second now…

Okay, I did it.

I bedshared with my daughter.

There is so much controversy around bedsharing that I have gone back and forth many times on writing this blog. However, the research doesn’t lie and it’s these two blurbs from an article I read that made me finally want to do it.

If a mother’s afraid to nurse in her own bed, her most likely options are a sofa, recliner or upholstered chair - all riskier places to sleep with a baby. One study found that 44 percent of mothers who nurse in those places at night fell asleep there at least once.

Even though most new breastfeeding mothers today don’t plan to bedshare, studies show that eventually 60-75 percent of them will, at least some of the time.

There are so many reasons I didn’t want to admit to bedsharing. Mostly, because I love my daughter and I didn’t want anyone to think that I would risk her safety, simply because I was undisciplined or lazy. I had great intentions of following ALL THE RULES. I had a bassinet beside the bed for her to safely“room in” with us. But at no time was I going to risk her safety by bringing her into bed with us.

Until I did.

Well, sort of.

My daughter was one of those babies that startle a lot. The startle, or the Moro reflex (named after German pediatrician Ernst Moro), is one of several involuntary movements in newborns. It’s a baby’s response to the sensation of falling or stimuli in their environment such as loud, potentially threatening sounds or bright light. And it was the bane of my existence.

I’d have my girl swaddled (poorly) in her bassinet and she would go from what looked like a deep sleep to a startle. It was like a jolt, her arms and legs extending, her fingers spread apart and her back arching. As a result, her arms and legs would hit the side of the bassinet and she would wake up crying.

I can’t tell you how many nights I would sit by the bassinet, barely able to keep my eyes open, wondering if she was in a deep enough sleep for me to rest as well.

And then one day, I just cracked. I couldn’t do it anymore. I was breastfeeding my daughter every two hours, so what would it hurt to bring her into bed with me.

Just for a few moments.

Just long enough to close my eyes for a few minutes.

I mean, I was going to be awake to feed her in 30 minutes anyway…

So, I pulled my crying daughter from her bassinet, propped myself up on a bunch of pillows so I was almost completely upright, and placed her on my chest. I wrapped my arms around her and finally closed my eyes.

I did this for four months. Why four months? I think any new mom reading this right now already knows why. Because I’d read somewhere that after four months, a baby’s risk of SIDS drops significantly. It is also around that time that the Moro reflex disappears.

So, what’s wrong with this picture?

I never intended to bedshare, but at my most exhausted and sleep deprived moment, it seemed like a good idea. Had you asked me after a full night’s sleep if the risk outweighed the reward, I would have looked at your like you had a third eye… OF COURSE NOT!
Because I never intended to bedshare, when the moment arrived, I didn’t know how to do it safely. I propped up pillows, held my daughter in her swaddle blanket against my chest, beside my husband, in a bed full of blankets… all no-no’s when it comes to safe bedsharing.

It wasn’t until many years later that I supported a client (a new momma of twin boys) who chose to bedshare and that’s when all of these memories of my perceived failure came back to haunt me. Other than my husband, no one knew that I bedshared with my daughter and I would never tell anyone.

I was ashamed.

Momma and her twin boys. Read her blog, Mom Uprising, here!

But here was this new mom, setting up for bedsharing from the start! I was fascinated and I wanted to know everything about what and how she was doing it. It led me to look into safe bedsharing and that totally changed my mind about it.

Momma’s twin boys and older daughter sleeping while bedsharing.

At the end of the day, bedsharing is a VERY personal choice. And it’s something that each individual needs to research and then weigh the risks and rewards. That being said, I can personally say that I think SAFE BEDSHARING is something that should be taught to new families (it’s not only moms who bedshare), as a safety measure for those late night, sleep deprived moments when you’re exhausted and your barometer for measuring risk/reward might be off and your resolve might be easily influenced. Even the American Academy of Pediatrics understands that bedsharing is happening more often, planned or unplanned, and has given guidelines for safe bedsharing.

La Leche League International created the Safe Sleep 7, a set of rules for safe bedsharing. They were designed to help new breastfeeding parents tackle the exhaustion of frequent feedings through the night and the logistical nightmare of moving baby in and out of a separate sleeping space.

THE SAFE SLEEP 7

If you are:

A nonsmoker
Sober and unimpaired
A breastfeeding mother and your baby is:
Healthy and full-term
On her back
Lightly dressed, and you both are:
On a safe surface

Indulge me, I’ll cover here why, if I’d only been counseled in safe bedsharing techniques, I would have had a less sleepless and guilt-ridden first four months of my daughter’s life.

Both my husband and I were nonsmokers. This is so important on so many levels outside of safe bedsharing. Little was known about the dangers of third hand smoke when my daughter was an infant, but now so much is known and the dangers are frightening.
I was a breastfeeding mom, so sober and unimpaired CHECK! It’s important to note that this goes for anyone sharing the bed with baby, not just momma.
I was exclusively breastfeeding. You might wonder why this plays such a large role in safe bedsharing. Anyone who has had me as their doula has heard me tout the benefits of nursing in the side-lying position. It’s the BEST of all the positions, in my humble opinion. In this position you are on your side, your baby’s head in line with your breast, your knees are bent at 90 degrees and your arm against the bed is extended above your baby’s head while the other arm is behind your baby’s back, pulling her close to you and onto your breast. Imagine cuddling in the reclining position with your baby as she nurses. It’s magical. In this position, you are in what’s known as the cuddle curl. It’s in this position that you’ve created a protected space for your infant. Because your legs are bent, there’s no way for you to roll toward your baby. And no one else can roll into your space because your knees and elbows are in the way. And because a lactating breast is the center of an infant’s universe, they will stay in a position, even when not latched, that will keep them close to the breast and not outside of that protected cuddle curl space.
Healthy and full-term. My daughter was 10 days past her estimated due date and weighed almost 9lbs at birth.
On her back. For nursing moms, it’s a natural move for baby to roll onto their back after breaking the latch. I can’t tell you how many moms who nurse share with me the beauty of waking to find baby on their back, a drop of milk rolling down their cheek, fast asleep.
Lightly dressed. Just one more fascinating thing about the bond between moms and their baby. When a baby is placed skin to skin with mom right after birth, a mother’s body heat helps to regulate that of her baby’s. A baby who is bedsharing doesn’t need all the extra clothing or swaddle, because she will have the added benefit of mom’s body heat.
On a safe surface. What constitutes a safe surface?

THE SAFE SURFACE CHECKLIST

Avoid these possible smothering risks:

Sofas and recliners
Soft or sagging that rolls your baby against you or keeps her from lifting her head free
Spaces between mattress and headboard, side rails, or wall where a baby could get stuck
Pets that could interfere

Clear your bed of:

Unused pillows
Stuffed toys
Heavy covers or comforters
Anything nearby that dangles or tangles

Check your bed for possible hazards:

Distance to floor
Landing surface
Sharp, poking or pinching places

Looking back to those first four months with my daughter, I wish I would have known some safe bed sharing techniques. I can’t say for sure that I would have done it every night, but I do think on occasion or during daytime naps, knowing how to safely bedshare would have made those times less stressful and much more enjoyable.

And, if you’re not comfortable with bedsharing but want to be prepared, the Co Sleeper and In Bed Co Sleeper are great options, even if you never use them.

***This should not be misconstrued as a recommendation to bedshare, but rather a resource to help reduce the risks if you’re someone who might eventually, if inadvertently, bedshare.***